It was just a joke. Why that response causes so much damage.

Does this sound familiar? You say a remark hurt you. The response is: “It was just a joke.”

That shuts the conversation down. You’re left with doubt: whether you even heard it right. Whether it wasn’t a joke after all. Maybe you really are too sensitive. The other person surely didn’t mean it that way. Your confidence takes a hit, while the other person’s sense of self stays intact.

What micro-invalidation is

This might be the most common remark people with a multicultural background hear. It’s a form of micro-invalidation: a comment that invalidates your feelings, experience, or identity. Saying “it was just a joke” is an easy way out for the other person: it lets them brush off your feelings without ever having to answer for what they said. That leaves your experience dismissed, and you holding all the responsibility.

A conversation about it? Not possible. Because it’s on you. You’re too sensitive. You’re hearing something that wasn’t meant that way. It was just a joke, and it’s your fault for not getting it.

It’s not on you

It wasn’t a joke. And you’re not too sensitive. What you feel is valid. The other person’s remark is harmful, and often a strategy to avoid accounting for their own behaviour. If you want to respond, you can say: “I can’t laugh about that. To me, it didn’t feel like a joke.” That puts the responsibility back where it belongs.

Your feelings matter. Even without the other person acknowledging that.