Microaggressions are everyday, subtle, and belittling remarks that cast you as unusual or “exotic.” They have a serious impact on your life, causing stress, anxiety, and sleep problems, and eroding your confidence.
Talking about microaggressions is daunting. Here’s how to do it.
If you’re on the receiving end
- Decide whether you want to respond, and whether you have the energy for it. Do you see this person regularly, or is it a passer-by? These questions can help you decide whether and when to respond. You always have the right to say something, or to bring it up later. Do what feels comfortable for you.
- Ask what the other person meant by their remark. This forces them to look at the impact of their own actions.
- Explain what it does to you. Take them into your world, and explain why the remark is stereotyping and enables discrimination. Focus on the behaviour, not the person. That gives you the best chance of an open conversation. Appeal to shared values, and point out that their remark doesn’t fit with those.
- If you’re comfortable doing so, you can offer tips on how the other person can expand their knowledge on the topic, for example by recommending books, podcasts, or articles.
If you’re the one who said it
- Don’t get defensive, pause instead. You’ve just said something that hurt someone, and you’re now being confronted with that. That’s uncomfortable. Remember it’s uncomfortable for the other person too. Be aware that it takes courage for someone to bring this up. Listen to understand, not to respond.
- Be aware that you’ve hurt someone. Even if that wasn’t your intent, it’s still the impact of your behaviour.
- Apologise, reflect on your own thinking and why you acted the way you did. Take responsibility for your own development, and learn more about the topic.
Why this matters
Microaggressions add up. And at some point, you stop asking how you can be successful, and start asking whether that’s even meant for you. That’s a waste of the talent we lose because of it. Because you don’t have talent despite your multicultural background or disability, you have it because of it.