“You’re so inspiring. It’s really impressive that you work here.”
What you probably mean: I admire you. I know our environment isn’t set up optimally, and that it takes more effort for you to take part without limits.
What you’re actually saying: Wow, remarkable that you just have a job. I thought people with disabilities couldn’t work. You reduce someone’s professional achievements to their disability, and turn ordinary work into something heroic.
What to ask instead: How do you experience working here? Are there things I can do to remove obstacles?
“I’ll just help you with that” (takes over the task)
What you’re probably trying to do: I can see this is taking a lot of effort. Let me help so you can also get to other things.
What you’re actually saying: You’re not competent. Let me handle it. Taking over someone’s tasks without checking in first denies them the chance to be independent and to develop.
What to do instead: Ask if someone needs help and how you can help. For example, by adjusting the task while keeping the learning moment intact.
“You don’t have to join the team offsite, that’s probably too tiring for you.”
What you probably mean: I want to take your disability into account and not overload you.
What you’re actually saying: I’m deciding for you what you can and can’t do. And honestly, I don’t feel like looking for alternatives that would let you join in too.
What to ask instead: I’m planning our team outing and you’re obviously part of it. I was thinking of [activity] at [location]. Is that accessible for you? Is there anything I should take into account?
Intent versus impact
I don’t doubt your intent. But that doesn’t mean the other person experiences it that way too. It’s precisely in those uncomfortable moments that the chance to learn lies. Real inclusion doesn’t start with perfect behaviour, it starts with the willingness to listen and understand each other.